Cubicle Barista 101

During your tenure in the world of cubes (and in life in general), one of the greatest advantages you can give yourself is to be quirky and eccentric.  While you will initially be mocked by your cube mates, your odd behaviors, if not taken to the level of creepy, will be quite beneficial for a double-edged reason.  Everyone will see you as a point of interest and as a chance for a unique experience in their day.  Being well liked by most, if not everyone, in your office will give you a greater chance of not being fired. At the same time, no one in upper management will look to you first for a promotion, as a result of your seemingly bizarre behaviors, and you will be free to continue on using your precious free time to plan your escape from cubicle life, instead of planning the boss’s next vacation.

Unless you have a Starbucks barista in your break room, your office coffee machine probably produces something resembling cigarette water siphoned out of a gutter in the Congo. This has to be one of the biggest and most mind-numbing ironies of the office experience. Companies want their employees to be more productive and do more in less time. A majority of employees rely on a gallon of coffee a day just to accomplish the feat of pretending to do this for their employer.  Yet, every day, countless worker bees choke down absolute slop, massively cutting job satisfaction and, therefore, productivity. Connect the dots there, and you just might have the next Google on your hands.

But just because the entire office chooses to suffer daily by drinking that slime, doesn’t mean that you have to as well. Instead, you can take two or three steps outside of the box necessary to brew your own delicious cup of coffee, at any time, in the comfort of your own cube.

We here at Taupe Times grind our own coffee in our cube every single morning of our working hell.  Not only do you get to experience the joy of mastering the coffee brewing process, but you also get to drive everyone else nuts with the noise of the grinder – super fun to play with – and the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, which is something that even Gandhi himself couldn’t refuse.

Oh sure, you will be made fun of at first.  But, rest assured, mockery will fall to envy as soon as the office sees you enjoying a delicious cup of your own freshly brewed Dunkin Donuts Original Blend.

In order to accomplish this daily miracle, we recommend using the following items:

  1. A coffee grinder – They’re all good.
  2. Your favorite whole bean coffee – We recommend Eight O’Clock or Dunkin Donuts for price-to-taste ratio.
  3. A French press – No, it’s not just a fancy sex move.  It’s also an awesome coffee-making device that is fun to use and that makes a delicious cup of coffee in almost no time.  There’s really only one brand widely available, and you can pick them up anywhere that sells coffee makers.  It is a little more work than your standard coffee maker, but the taste of the coffee is well worth the trade-off.  Plus, the time you spend working on coffee is time you don’t have to spend working on licking your boss’s balls. Unless they taste like coffee.  Then you’re just a sucker (HA!).
  4. (Optional) A timer – We here at Taupe Times worked our coffee making process down to what some might call a psychotic obsession with detail. Since we’re not money hungry fanatics, we just call it science. Anyways, if you have a smart phone, you have a timer.

Taupe Times used this guerrilla tactic day-in, day-out for well over a year in the office.  It made the employees in the office so droolingly jealous, that management ended up buying a fancy, schmancy coffee machine that actually made a less than horrible cup of coffee.

So close, yet so far. Keep trying management. You’ll get there one day!


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Categories: Guerilla Tactics

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