TGIF!!!

If you’ve spent more than a week in an office setting, one thing becomes readily apparent: No one wants to make any substantial conversations.  We here at Taupe Times believe that most office folk are so drained by their grey (Like the British, we spell it with an “e”. It just sounds more grey with an “e”. If you don’t like that, “Get bent!” is a British term we are also fond of.) career and focused on the small hand reaching the five, that they simply can’t muster the effort for even the most intellectually scant banter.  Or they hate their coworkers so much, that they refrain from saying anything off the script, lest they fly into a fiery fit of rage.  But, really, it’s probably both.

After years of research, we have broken down the daily cooler talk one can expect based on the days of the week.  Your average conversation with another cubemate should look something like this:

Monday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “It’s Monday.”

Tuesday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “Well, it’s not Monday.”

Wednesday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “Happy hump day!”

Thursday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “It’s almost Friday!”

Friday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “Thank god it’s Friday!”

While some of those workers, who believe themselves to be creative on some level, will try their best to give you some variation of the above, they are only fooling themselves.  The evidence shows that this script repeats cyclically week in and week out, without fail, for no less than 90% of workers at any given company.  It is a sad testament to the reality of how administrative slaves truly feel about their profession and a reflection of the lackluster atmosphere that is corporate hell. One might even suggest that it is a form of code that allows otherwise stifled brains to vent, if only a little, the steam that would otherwise build in their heads until they popped.  In all likelihood though, it’s just another one of the mindless, go-with-the-flow actions that the office world easily tricks otherwise warm and cuddly human beings into adopting. Whatever it is, Taupe Times thinks it’s bullshit and needs to stop.

Here is our revised script for the days of the week.  Adjust yours accordingly:

Monday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “I’m fucking fantastic. I thought I couldn’t get any better, and then you came in with your deep and heart-felt concern for my well being and convinced me it was, in fact, possible to be even better than I was before.  Now I can’t wait until tomorrow, when you predictably fake a conversation with me again!  It’s going to better than a blow job in France!”

Tuesday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “Well the Nikkei average is down 300 points. If it continues trending in that fashion, I will have to sell my cats and move to Costa Rica for retirement.”

Wednesday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “Strange.”

Thursday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “It’s a trap!”

Friday:

Cubedweller #1: “Hey.”

Cubedweller #2: “Hey, how are you?”

Cubedweller #1: “This weekend I am the badger.”

*show your teeth*

Honey badger out!

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Categories: Dipolomacy/Social Tactics

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