Gone Fishin’

This may seem like a more mundane and mediocre suggestion to the untrained cubicle warrior.  However, if approached in the right manner, the cubby addition of a fish tank can yield you months of relief from the droning noise of your cubicle compatriots going about their oh so boring business.

Step 1:

Get a fish tank.  Don’t go to big or too small; about three to seven gallons tops.  Stick to fresh water.

Step 2:

Get the rocks and some pretty, plastic plants and stuff for your fish to look at.

Step 3:

Set all this up first and get the water right and all that jazz.  Don’t get the fish right away, unless you are into killing fish, and that’s a whole different blog post for another time.  When I first got my tank, which was a gift from my thoughtful cube-mates, we got excited and just threw the two cute little mollies in the tank in the morning and after lunch, we held their funeral in the bathroom.  It was beautiful, I promise.  Take your time to condition the water and such.  Be patient!

Step 4:

Procure a fish. No more.  Honestly. If you get two, one of them is going to die. I give you my Cubescout word of honor on this.

Step 5:

Name the fucking fish! My department likes to make fun of my French-icities, so we named mine Jean-Louis Baptiste and Paris.

Step 6:

Feed them.  But not too much and, certainly, not too little.  You have to feed them just the right amount or they’ll fucking die.  Got it?  Enjoy your time with them.  Teach them tricks.

Step 7:

In all likelihood, after a week or several months, you’re going to muck something up (forget to feed them, change the water, stop caring that you have fish), and they’re going to die. Or, they’re going to die of whatever disease they picked up from the store or from the trauma of realizing their lives amount to being fish, in a tank, in your stupid cube. A cube inside a cube.  I’d die too upon this realization.

Point being, this is a short-lived affair. A year at the most. I know some of you are going to claim that you kept a fish alive in your cube longer than this, or that you’re going to be able to do it.  Congratulations. You’re king/queen of the cube-fish. You should be proud at your ability to sustain life in such an otherwise barren environment.  Thank god we have people like you on the planet.

Step 8:

Once your fish dies, hold a funeral in the bathroom with your coworkers who get it.  Stand around the toilet, say a fish-prayer, and flush em.  Even the most hardened criminal will be affected by this, even if only momentarily.  Don’t let them see you cry.

Step 9:

Leave the water in the fish tank, turn the filter off, and wait a week or so. Congratulations on being the owner of a brand new algae garden!! This is an excellent form of living item to have in your cube, as it requires no maintenance whatsoever.

Step 10:

Dry out your tank (the algae will powder up and seemingly disappear).  Congratulations on being the owner of a brand new zen garden!! This is an excellent source of peace and serenity to have in your cube!  I decorated mine with a picture of this guy.